Anyhow, after hurting for so long I suppose it all adds up. I got the chance to speak to a psychiatrist about everything that's been on my mind. About both my biological and adopted father's deaths; my current work environment; significant broken relationships; and my anxiety of things to come. Speaking to him opened my eyes.
My reactive depression flares up when I remember particularly traumatic events in my life, and there are choices I have to make when confronted with anxiety. I can either idealize the event and make it bigger than what it really was, or I can view it in its realistic simplicity.
For example, in my past big relationship I was screwed over in a big way when everything I had done was to make this person happy. Over three years of my life seemed like it was wasted being with this person and I couldn't tell whether anything we experienced together in those years were genuine or just a long drawn-out game that I didn't know I was playing. After the break up, I always felt it was my fault and that if I had been a better person, then things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.
But now after looking at the facts, the events, and how this person has manipulated me I've realized that it wasn't my fault. I was the one who was loyal, honest, loving, caring, and did everything a soul would do for its soul mate. I'm the "right" guy. This person just simply wasn't the right person for me.
God knows how much I hate coming to people for help especially with things I thought I could handle well enough on my own 'cause I hate feeling like I'm a burden, but I'm really glad I got someone's expert advice.
It's not easy for me to be taken seriously by most of my friends 'cause I'm normally the one making other's laugh. I guess sometimes you just need a stranger to listen.
Anyhow, I'm going on vacation at the end of this month (July 2004). Gonna drop by San Diego for a week or so, and then hop up to Seattle and spend some time with my second familia, The Apuyas. I haven't been home in a year! You can bet that I'll be doin' my impulse shoppin' and Starbucks drinkin' then. It's amazing how living OUTCONUS has shown me how much I've taken for granted when I was in the U.S. Every day I find a reason to say "God bless America" and actually mean it.
Anyhow, I'm going on vacation at the end of this month (July 2004). Gonna drop by San Diego for a week or so, and then hop up to Seattle and spend some time with my second familia, The Apuyas. I haven't been home in a year! You can bet that I'll be doin' my impulse shoppin' and Starbucks drinkin' then. It's amazing how living OUTCONUS has shown me how much I've taken for granted when I was in the U.S. Every day I find a reason to say "God bless America" and actually mean it.
What else is new? I bought a Game Boy Advance SP. Ha ha! I don't know why I'm such a nerd. I just never had really nice stuff when I was a kid and I guess I feel that this is my chance to re-live my youth. Or maybe I just haven't fully grown out of my childhood. Who knows? Oh! And I bought the first season DVD series of Wonder Woman. :0P Say what you will, but Wonder Woman is the bomb-snaggity-snap, yo! Word!
Okay, so I'm crazy and impulsive and weird, but damn it! People like me!!
Okay, so I'm crazy and impulsive and weird, but damn it! People like me!!